Heath Ledger Committed Suicide

Sad, but true.

Heath took on the role of The Joker against the advice of Jack Nicholson who said the role would make him crazy.

It did...like, literally. The reason why the maid didn't call the police right away when she found Heath, was because she had to contact the family first that he left a note and killed himself.

The family didn't want him to be labeled a psycho, so they took half the money they got from his will, and paid off the people in power to convince everyone it was an accidental death.

They convinced everyone except me and now you, dear readers.

HEATH LEDGERS DEATH: CASE CLOSED

Bill and Hillary Clinton Are No More...

And they haven't been for almost a decade.

Have you noticed how Bill has said things this campaign and then Hillary refutes it with another statement. Or how Hillary will say something and then Bill refutes it with another statement?

You notice how they never seem to be seen together, and when they are they seem a little distant?

Remember how Bill was making excuses for Hillary when she mis-spoke about Bosnia saying it was 11 at night, she was tired and had been working a week straight when in all reality it was 9am and she had just come off of a day off?

What's with the distance and miscommunication?

Easy...they're divorced. They don't live together anymore.

Bill and Hillary couldn't make it work after the Lewinsky episode, so they covertly divorced. They both needed each other for different reasons, so they haven't told anyone they're divorced.

Sort of a "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" as they use each other's "marriage" for political purposes.

BILL & HILLARY CLINTON: CASE CLOSED

Jay-Z and Beyonce Marriage is a Sham

"Jay-Z is so ugly...how did he get a girl as fine as Beyonce?"
"Jay-Z has been accused of murder...Beyonce is from a girl pop/R&B group...what would she see in him?"
"Why did Destiny's Child break up?"

Questions that have had scholars scratching their heads. Only I have the answer.

Jay-Z and Beyonce are both gay and their relationship is in place so as to make sure that their careers don't go in the tank because both, Jay-Z especially, would take hits to their career.

Jay-Z uses gay slurs more than almost any other rapper...over compensating and projecting his own feelings on others?

The reason Destiny's Child broke up is because Beyonce started coming on a little strong to the other girls. They were uncomfortable and broke the group up. Jay-Z couldn't ruin his "Gangster" reputation, and so both spotting each other's needs, they created a sham relationship so as to cover up their sexual preference out of fear that it would ruin them.

JAY-Z/BEYONCE RELATIONSHIP: CASE CLOSED

Joseph Smith Was a Horn-Dog

Weasel-y looking fella, ain't he?

Well this dude was pretty smart, actually.

Joseph Smith doesn't believe in the religion he created. He was an atheistic playa!

Joseph wanted more than one woman, but he knew there was no way that was going to happen on his own normal terms. So Joseph decided to brilliantly create a religion that teaches polygamy. That way he'd be able to have as many chicks as he wanted and he could tell the girls it was what God wanted and the government really couldn't hit him for it, because it fell under the freedom of religion deal. He also wanted to base it around Christianity since he knew they received the least amount of crap from establishments and such.

He gets to marry as many girls as he wants, the ladies are content, and the government can't touch him.

Genius little twit.

MORMONISM: CASE CLOSED

Dale Earnhardt Faked His Death

That crash seemed awfully weak for some of the others that Earnhardt had sustained in the past.

Dale had just started DEI and Jr. was starting to come on.

He and all of NASCAR decided to set up the 2001 season. Sr. wanted to step back and run DEI. He didn't want his budding star son to have to live in his shadow, but he knew just retiring wouldn't be enough. So all of NASCAR decided that 2001 would be a thrown season. Let's take a look at the facts which seem extra fishy...

- Michael Waltrip, one of DEI's 4 drivers, had never won a race ever. His first win comes at Daytona, the biggest race of the year, when Dale dies. Jr. finishes second and Sr. was in third when he crashed. The top 3 was all DEI drivers.

- Crappy DEI driver Steve Park, won the very next week after Earnhardt's "death". Coincidence?

- Earnhardt, a fan favorite and very accessible, had been cold and distant during the week leading up to the 500.

- Jr. won the very next race held at Daytona and a couple of drivers mentioned a possible conspiracy. They were quickly silenced.

Now you may be saying "Hey, Mr. conspiracy man, why didn't a DEI driver win the Cup that year, then?"

Well, then it would be too obvious, that's why. So Sr. hand picked Jeff Gordon to win that year. Gordon was generally well liked by fans, and he had won three titles already. Earnhardt figured that would seem like a natural winner and not a complete setup.

DALE EARNHARDT: CASE CLOSED

9/11 Was Not Done By Terrorists

That's right...'deceased' rapper Christopher "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace is to blame for the World Trade Center attacks.

In his 1994 single, Juicy, Wallace raps "Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade". Now, common sense would say he's talking about the 93 bombing, right?

Well, Biggie was rapping about the future.

Biggie wanted to know if he or 2Pac was more loved. So he decided he would kill 2Pac, and fake his death. If Pac was more loved than him after they were both gone, he'd extract his revenge on America (Blowing up the Trade Centers) but if he (Biggie) was more loved, than he'd come out of hiding and embrace the country and he could say that the line in Juicy was about the 93 bombing, so as to cover his elaborate plans.

He set up 2Pac so that he would be jumped and killed in 94. Pac survived, so Biggie had to delay faking his own death. When Pac died in 1996, Biggie could then carry out his plan.

After a few years, he realized 2Pac was more popular. Biggie, hungry and bitter, called up some of his friends in the Middle East (How he got these contacts I haven't quite figured out yet) and they orchestrated the attacks.

Biggie and Osama are now off in some cave blazing up indo and laughing an evil twisted laugh at the destruction they've caused.

9/11: CASE CLOSED

Chernobyl!

OK, so what REALLY happened at Chernobyl?

Easy...

America got all ticked at the Soviet Union during the Cold War. Didn't want to get totally involved, but still wanted to send a little 'F You!' to them. So, we covertly blew up reactor number four at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and screwed with their state of living and stuff.

CHERNOBYL: CASE CLOSED